Understanding and Coping with Grief Due to Violent Crime
Each person’s experience is different, and so are their needs. The following information may not help everyone dealing with grief due to violent crime, but gives general tips and resources for further support that may be helpful in your journey.
What is Grief?
Grief is a normal and healthy response to losing someone or something important. It can happen after any kind of loss, but we usually think of it when someone we care about dies. When a loved one dies because of violence, the grief can be even harder.
Grief used to be described as happening in predictable stages, but now we know that everyone experiences grief differently. There is no “normal” way to grieve.
Common Experiences of Grief
- Shock and Disbelief: It’s common to feel numb and struggle to believe the loss really happened, especially if it was sudden or violent. It can feel like you’re in a bad dream.
- Profound Sadness: This can include crying, feeling empty, despair, yearning, or loneliness.
- Regret or Guilt: You might feel bad about things you did or didn’t do, or about certain feelings you have. Feelings related to blaming yourself for the loss can occur.
- Anger: You might feel the need to blame someone for the loss, especially if it was due to a crime. It’s common to feel extreme anger at the person responsible or others who you think could have prevented it.
- Worries and Fears: A big loss can make you feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. It can also make you worry about your own safety or the safety of your loved ones.
- Physical Symptom: Grief can cause physical problems like trouble sleeping, nausea, loss of appetite, getting sick more often, digestive issues, weight changes, and aches and pains. The grief process is emotionally tiring and increased fatigue is common.
- Questioning Beliefs: Loss can make you question your core beliefs, especially if it was tragic or violent. You might feel like the world isn’t safe or people aren’t good, or question your spiritual beliefs. Some people feel pessimistic and hopeless about life or the future after a difficult loss.
- Resurfacing Past Losses: A current loss can bring up memories and feelings from past losses, leading to you potentially dealing with multiple losses at once, which can feel very overwhelming.
There is no way to avoid grief, but there are things that can help you cope with it:
- Accept Your Feelings: Don’t tell yourself how you should or shouldn’t feel. Accept all your feelings as normal reactions to a tough situation.
- Be Kind to Yourself: Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Don’t compare your feelings to others.
- Express Your Emotions: Don’t avoid your thoughts or feelings. Talk to someone you trust, write in a journal, or find other creative ways to express yourself.
- Take Care of Yourself: Good self-care helps you cope and heal. This includes eating well, sleeping, and exercising. Set small, realistic goals, like eating a few small meals and going for a short walk each day. Do things that are healthy, even if you don’t feel like it.
- Improve Your Sleep: If you’re having trouble sleeping, try to stick to a regular sleep schedule and bedtime routine. Avoid caffeine and alcohol, and stay active during the day. If you can’t sleep, do something relaxing.
- Keep a Simple Routine: Do some easy, concrete tasks each day, like showering and eating meals. Balance staying busy with resting and self-care.
- Avoid Major Life Changes: Try not to make big decisions early in your grief journey. Making small daily decisions can help you feel more in control.
- Use Coping Skills: Think about what helped you cope with past losses or tough times. Try meditation, relaxation exercises, yoga, and spending time outdoors.
- Take Breaks from Grief: Distracting yourself sometimes can give you a break from the hard work of grieving. But don’t try to avoid grief completely, as it can make things worse in the long run.
- Be Careful with Substances: Using substances might numb the pain temporarily but isn’t helpful in the long term. Try calming activities like mindfulness, relaxed breathing, yoga, spending time in nature, physical activity and/ or creative pursuits.
- Seek Social Support: Spend time with others and reach out for support. Avoid isolating yourself. Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can help you feel less alone.
- Find Meaning: Healing is about finding meaning after loss, not forgetting the person or never feeling pain again. Find ways to honor and remember the person that are comforting to you. Consider any rituals or practices that might be helpful for your spiritual beliefs.
- Contribute to Causes: Some people find meaning by contributing to causes that bring about social change, especially if they lost a loved one due to violence.
Community, Online, and Self-Help Resources
Resources for Immediate Crisis Support
If you of someone you know is at immediate risk of suicide, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.
Individuals of all ages can call or text 988 to reach Canada’s Suicide Crisis Hotline. You will have the opportunity to be connected to a crisis resource that is age/culturally appropriate for you.
Talk Suicide Canada provides immediate crisis support to those of all ages. Call 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645 (4:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m. ET).
Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS) Crisis Services offers 24/7 telephone and face-to-face supports to those 16+ experiencing crisis. Call 905-666-0483 or 1-800-742-1890.
Ontario Shores 24-7 Crisis Line provides 24/7 access to crisis support. Call 1-800-263-2679.
Distress Centre Durham provides 24/7 telephone support by trained volunteers. Call 905-430-2522 or 1-800-452-0688.
York Support Services Network (YSSN) Community Crisis Response Telephone Service provides 24/7 telephone crisis support. Call 1-855-310-COPE (2673).
Resources for Those Experiencing Loss due to Violence/Crime
Canadian Parents of Murdered Children and Survivors of Homicide Victims (CPOMC) offers various resources:
- BOOKLET: Homicide Survivors - Dealing with Grief (pdf download)
- KIT: Guide to Rebuilding Shattered Lives (free download of multiple resources for survivors)
Support Systems Available to Survivors of Homicide Victims
Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime (CRCVC) offers various resources:
Distress Centre Toronto: Homicide Survivor Support Services offers 1:1 and group support to individuals and families experiencing loss due to homicide. For details call 416-595-1716 or go the website.
General Services and Resources for Grief and Bereavement
Bereaved Families of Ontario - Durham Region Chapter provides 1:1 and group support to bereaved parents, young adults and teens, with a unique focus on the death of a child. For details, call 905-579-4293/1-800-387-4870, or go to the website.
VON / Durham Region Hospice Bereavement Services offers a variety of resources to those who have lost a loved one, including one-on-one support, groups, and children’s programs. Call 905-240-4522 or 1-877-668-9414, or go to the website for more information.
GriefShare Loss Support Groups offers support groups for those who have lost a loved one. Groups are available in-person and virtually. Go to the website for details.
WORKBOOK: Coping with Loss a free PDF with information about grief and activities to explore your grief and develop a coping plan.
GriefCare for Families is a free app that provides evidence-based information and learn-by-doing activities to help parents and caregivers get to know their grief and manage bereavement-related parenting stress.
Write to Heal Grief: A Workbook is a free PDF to help you explore your thoughts and express your feelings. Contains prompts to reflect on what the loss means to you, review the facts and the feelings related to your loss, release painful thoughts, and find clarity and perspective over time.
Refuge In Grief is an online community and resource that helps people survive loss. Resources include articles, books, courses, and podcasts.
Canadian Virtual Hospice - support and personalized information about advanced illness, palliative care, loss and grief, to people living with illness, family members, people working in healthcare, educators, and researchers.
