Understanding and Coping with Grief
Each person’s experience is different, and so are their needs. The following information may not help everyone dealing with grief, but gives general tips and resources for further support that may be helpful in your journey.
What is Grief?
Although painful, grief is a “normal”, healthy response to loss. We may experience it after any type of loss, including the death of someone we care about.
Grief has traditionally been described as occurring in a series of predictable stages, but it is now recognized that although those who are grieving often experience some of the same feelings and responses, it is unique for everyone and there is no “normal” way to grieve.
Common experiences of grief include:
- Feelings of shock and disbelief are very common in response to a difficult loss. It can be hard to accept a difficult loss, especially in the immediate aftermath. You may feel numb and struggle to believe the loss really happened. It is common to feel like you are “in a bad dream.”
- Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced “symptom” of grief. This may include crying, feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or loneliness.
- You may experience regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do, or about certain feelings you are experiencing (such as anger or relief). Feelings of elf-blame can be related to the loss (which is often stems from telling yourself you did something to contribute to it, or “should have” somehow prevented it).
- Another very common response to loss is anger. We often have a need to blame someone for the injustice experienced around a loss. You may feel anger towards those you feel are “to blame”, and/or towards a higher power. Feelings of anger can be very confusing, especially if they relate to the person who has died.
- A significant loss can trigger many worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. Facing a death can trigger fears about your own mortality, or that of your loved ones.
- Grief often has profound physical symptoms (especially in its early stages). These may include insomnia, nausea, appetite loss, lowered immunity, “flare ups” of existing chronic health problems, digestive issues, weight loss/gain, and aches and pains. The grief process is emotionally tiring, and increased fatigue is common.
- Losses can leave us questioning our core beliefs, especially when they occur under tragic or violent circumstances. This can involve no longer feeling the world is a safe place, no longer feeling other people are basically good, or questioning one’s personal spiritual beliefs. Some people struggle with a sense of pessimism and hopelessness about life or the future after a difficult loss.
- A current loss can contribute to past losses resurfacing, “stirring up” memories and/or feelings related to them. This can leave us dealing emotionally with multiple losses at the same time, which can feel very overwhelming.
Tips for Coping
There is no way to avoid grief, but there are things that can help you cope with it:
- Accept Your Feelings: Don’t tell yourself how you should or shouldn’t feel. Accept all your feelings as normal reactions to a tough situation.
- Be Kind to Yourself: Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Don’t compare your feelings to others.
- Express Your Emotions: Don’t avoid your thoughts or feelings. Talk to someone you trust, write in a journal, or find other creative ways to express yourself.
- Improve Your Sleep: If you’re having trouble sleeping, try to stick to a regular sleep schedule and bedtime routine. Avoid caffeine and alcohol and stay active during the day. If you can’t sleep, do something relaxing.
- Keep a Simple Routine: Do some easy, concrete tasks each day, like showering and eating meals. Balance staying busy with resting and self-care.
- Take Care of Yourself: Good self-care helps you cope and heal. This includes eating well, sleeping and exercising. Set small, realistic goals, like eating a few small meals and going for a short walk each day.
- Avoid Major Life Changes: Try not to make big decisions early in your grief journey. Making small daily decisions can help you feel more in control.
- Use Coping Skills: Think about what helped you cope with past losses or tough times. Try meditation, relaxation exercises, yoga, and spending time outdoors.
- Take Breaks from Grief: Distracting yourself sometimes can give you a break from the hard work of grieving. But don’t try to avoid grief completely, as it can make things worse in the long run.
- Be Careful with Substances: Using substances might numb the pain temporarily but isn’t helpful in the long term. Try calming activities like mindfulness, relaxed breathing, yoga, spending time in nature, physical activity and/or creative pursuits.
- Seek Social Support: Spend time with others and reach out for support. Avoid isolating yourself.
- Find Meaning: Healing is about finding meaning after loss, not forgetting the person or never feeling pain again. Find ways to honour and remember the person that are comforting to you.
- Don’t Rush Healing: Don’t set a timeline for healing or tell yourself you should be over it by a certain time. This can add extra stress on top of your grief.
Resources for further Support and Information
Grief is a normal response to losing someone or something important, and usually doesn’t need “treatment.” However, many people find it helpful to get support from outside their usual friends and family. This support can come from professionals or others who are also dealing with grief.
Here are some resources and sources of information about grief that you might find helpful.
Services for Immediate Crisis Support
- Individuals of all ages can call or text 988 to reach Canada’s Suicide Crisis Hotline. You will have the opportunity to be connected to a crisis resource that is age/culturally appropriate for you.
- Talk Suicide Canada provides immediate crisis support to those of all ages. Call 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645 (4:00 p.m. - 12:00 a.m. ET).
Community and Online Grief Supports
- Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Network provides free peer-led group and individual supports to those who are experiencing the loss of a pregnancy or the death of an infant. For more information, call 1-888-303-7245 or go to the website.
- Pathways Grief Support Program - Sick Kids Hospital provides support to families dealing with the death of a child who received care at Sick Kids, or who have a terminally ill child receiving care there. Go to the website or speak to a member of your child’s care team at the hospital.
- Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre provides a range of supports and services to adults and children affected by cancer, including those who have lost a loved one from the illness. For more information, call 905-579-4833 or visit the website.
- “Shoulder to Shoulder” Canadian Forces Family Grief Support helps military families access information and link to services and supports when living with the death of a loved one. This includes professional and peer support options, forums to connect with others living with loss, and information on available benefits and entitlements. For more information, visit the website or call the Family Information Line at 1-800-866-4546.
- GriefShare Loss Support Groups offers support groups for those who have lost a loved one. Groups are available in-person and virtually. Go to the website for details.
- GriefCare for Families is a free app that provides evidence-based information and learn-by-doing activities to help parents and caregivers get to know their grief and manage bereavement-related parenting stress.
Information and Self-Help Resources for Grief
- Write to Heal Grief: A Workbook is a free PDF to help you explore your thoughts and express your feelings. Contains prompts to reflect on what the loss means to you, review the facts and the feelings related to your loss, release painful thoughts, and find clarity and perspective over time.
- What's Your Grief is a website that provides a wide range of information and resources for those who are grieving and their supporters.
- Refuge In Grief is an online community and resource that helps people survive loss. Resources include articles, books, courses, and podcasts.
- Canadian Virtual Hospice provides support and information about advanced illness, palliative care, loss and grief, to those living with serious illness and their family members/survivors.
