Supporting Grieving Children and Youth

Each person’s experience is different, and so are their needs. The following information may not help all children/youth who are dealing with grief, but gives general tips and resources for further support that may be helpful in their journey.

Grief is a normal and healthy response to losing someone or something important. It can happen after any kind of loss, but we often think of it when someone we care about dies. Children and teens often experience and show grief differently than adults.

A child’s reactions to loss depends on their age and development. As they grow older, their understanding of death deepens, and they might revisit or have new feelings and questions about the loss.

How a child responds also depends on their relationship with the person who died and the circumstances of the loss. If their usual caregivers are also grieving, kids might feel more unsettled and confused.

Children who are already dealing with other tough situations (like abuse or family conflict) might have a harder time coping with loss.

Even though it’s normal for kids and teens to grieve, there are ways parents and other adults can support them. The impact of grief and helpful coping strategies vary by age.

Children Under Age 5

• Understanding Death: Very young kids often don’t understand that death is final, so they might talk about the person as if they’re still alive or keep asking when they’re coming back.

• Physical Reactions: Young kids often show grief through physical changes like trouble eating or sleeping, headaches, stomachaches, and changes in appetite. They might also be irritable, clingy, or regress to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking.

• Emotional Expression: Since they can’t express complex emotions well, young children might cry a lot, act out, or have tantrums.

• Separation Anxiety: They might be afraid of being alone and/or refuse to go to daycare or school.

• Magical Thinking: Young kids might believe their thoughts or feelings caused the person to die, especially if they were angry at the person before they died. Young children may also struggle to understand the person isn’t coming back, and may keep asking when they will see them again.

How to Support Them:

• Explain Death Simply: Use simple words to explain death. Avoid saying things like “went to sleep.” Instead, in a gentle and caring tone, say “Grandma died and won’t be coming back.” You might need to repeat this many times.

• Keep Routines: Try to keep their daily routines and familiar surroundings the same. Make sure they have consistent caregivers who can give them love and care, including hugs. Reassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for.

• Reassure Them: Make sure they know they were not responsible for the death because of their thoughts or feelings.

• Identify Feelings: Help them understand and name their feelings, like sadness, anger, or confusion.

• Prepare for Funerals: If they are going to a funeral or similar event, explain what will happen in simple terms.

• Be Patient: Be patient with any acting-out or regressive behavior, like tantrums or thumb-sucking.

• Allow Plenty of Time for Unstructured Play: Young children process feelings through their play. Join mainly to watch and listen when possible.

Children Aged 6-11

• Understanding Death: As children get older, they understand death better but might still not fully grasp that it’s permanent. They might think death only happens to old people and won’t affect them.

• Fears and Worries: They might worry about their own safety or that of others, fearing that the same thing that caused the death could happen again.

• Questions: They may have many questions about how the person died, what happens to the body, and the rituals being followed.

• Impact on Them: They often focus on how the death affects them, like being sad they won’t get birthday gifts from a grandparent who died.

How to Support Them:

• Discuss the Death Openly: Use proper words like “died” and “death” and provide details as they ask for them. Kids will ask for the information they need to understand the loss.

• Encourage Expression: Let them express their feelings and concerns, and ask any questions they have.

• Normalize Feelings: Let them know it’s normal to have a wide range of feelings with grief. Help them name their emotions and encourage them to express their grief through journaling, music, art, or poetry.

• Teach Coping Strategies: Help them learn ways to manage their emotions when they feel very upset, like relaxed breathing, progressive relaxation, or physical movement.

• Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and validate their feelings and concerns, even if they seem self-focused.

• Share Your Own Grief: Share your own feelings in appropriate ways and talk about how you cope. This helps them learn to manage their own emotions.

• Prepare Them for Rituals: Give them information about what to expect in the near future. If they will attend a funeral or memorial service, explain why we have these rituals and what will happen.

• Memorialize the Deceased: Support them in participating in activities to remember the person who died in ways that feel comfortable for them.

Teens

• Understanding Death: Teens start to fully understand that death is final. This can make them worry about their own safety or the safety of others.

• Expressing Emotions: Teens might not know how to express their grief and may show their feelings through anger or dramatic behavior. Teens may withdraw and try to process their feelings alone.

• Interruptions: They might feel angry or resentful because the death interrupts their activities or future plans, like going to college.

• Fitting In: Teens might feel they don’t fit in because of their loss and try to hide their grief from friends or even deny it to themselves.

• Risky Behavior: Some teens might engage in risky behaviors like substance use, sexual activity, or reckless driving in response to a significant loss.

How to Support Them:

• Encourage Sharing: Encourage them to share their feelings and concerns, but don’t force them. Share your own emotions to model this behavior.

• Listen Without Judgment: Accept and validate their emotions and concerns, even if they seem self-focused.

• Normalize Vulnerability: Emphasize that expressing vulnerable feelings is not a sign of weakness. Be a positive role model by not hiding your own emotions.

• Creative Expression: If they aren’t comfortable talking, encourage them to express themselves through art, music, poetry, scrapbooking, or creating a memory box.

• Teach Coping Strategies: Help them learn ways to manage their emotions, like distraction, mindfulness, or relaxed breathing. Encourage them to use strategies that helped them in the past.

• Connect with Peers: Offer opportunities for them to connect with other teens experiencing loss, such as through peer support groups. Encourage them to maintain connections with peers they have been close to.

• Monitor Risky Behavior: Keep an eye out for signs of risky behavior and work with them and/or with a professional to reduce any threat to their safety.

Resources for further Support and Information

Grief is a normal response to losing someone or something important, and usually doesn’t need “treatment.” However, many kids and teens can benefit from getting support from outside their usual friends and family. This support can come from professionals or others who are also dealing with grief.

Here are some resources and sources of information about grief that you might find helpful.

Services for Immediate Support

If you of someone you know is at immediate risk of suicide, call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.

Call or text 988 to reach Canada’s Suicide Crisis Hotline. You will have the opportunity to be connected to a crisis resource that is age/culturally appropriate for you.

Talk Suicide Canada provides immediate crisis support to those of all ages. Call 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645 (4:00 pm - 12:00 am ET). 

Durham Mental Health Services (DMHS) Crisis Services offers 24/7 telephone and face-to-face supports to those 16+ experiencing crisis. Call 905-666-0483 or 1-800-742-1890.

Frontenac Youth Services Crisis Response offers phone and mobile crisis response for children, youth and their families. Call Frontenac Youth Services at (905) 723-2802 or 1-888-579-5914 (9:00 am-5:00 pm Monday-Friday), or York Support Services Network at 1-855-310-COPE(2673) or (TTY) 1-866-323-7785 (Monday to Friday 5:00 pm-9:00 am, weekends, and holidays).

Kids Help Phone provides support via phone, text or chat to children, youth, and young adults. Call 1-800-668-6868 (24/7), text CONNECT to 686868 (24/7), or go to the website for live chat (7:00  pm–12:00 am).

Good2Talk offers a 24/7 helpline for post-secondary students. Students can get information and referrals about services for mental health, addiction and well-being, or speak anonymously with a professional counsellor. Call 1-866-925-5454.

Community and Online Grief Support

Bereaved Families of Ontario - Durham Region Chapter provides 1:1 and group support to bereaved parents, young adults and teens, with a unique focus on the death of a child. For details, call 905-579-4293 or 1-800-387-4870, or go to the website.

VON / Durham Region Hospice Bereavement Services offers a variety of resources to those dealing with loss, including one-on-one support, groups, and children’s programs. Call 905-240-4522 or 1-877-668-9414, or go to the website for more information.

COPE (Creating Opportunities for Personal Excellence) offers a range of in-person and virtual support groups to individuals aged 16+, including a group focused on bereavement. For more information, call 905-668-6223 or visit the website.

Pathways Grief Support Program - Sick Kids Hospital provides support to families dealing with the death of a child who received care at Sick Kids, or who have a terminally ill child receiving care there.

Hearth Place Cancer Support Centre provides a range of supports and services to adults and children affected by cancer, including those who have lost a loved one from the illness. Call 905-579-4833 or visit the website for more information.

“Shoulder to Shoulder” Canadian Forces Family Grief Support helps military families access information and link to services and supports when living with the death of a loved one. For more information, visit the website or call the Family Information Line at 1-800-866-4546.

GriefCare for Families is a free app that provides evidence-based information and learn-by-doing activities to help parents and caregivers get to know their grief and manage bereavement-related parenting stress.

Further Information about Grieving Children and Youth

Hope and Healing When Children Grieve (CAMH) provides information about children’s grief by age/stage and resources for further information.

Hope and Haling When Teens Grieve (CAMH) provides information about teen’s grief and resources for further information.

Resources for Children's Grief (The Children's Grief Foundation of Canada) provides a range of resources related to grieving children and ways to support them.

KidsGrief.ca contains a range of resources for children with a loved one who is dying or has died, and resources for their parents/caretakers related to how to best support them Include videos and articles about supporting children through loss and grief.

WEBINAR: “Understanding Children’s Grief” is a free on-demand webinar that addresses developmental differences in how children respond to grief, discuss ways to help children through specific types of losses (such as sudden loss), and offered tangible suggestions for rituals and other activities professionals can use when working with grieving children.

When a Parent Dies by Suicide... What Kids Want to Know (CAMH) provides information and guidance for those supporting children who have lost a parent to suicide.

Grief Caregiver Guide (sesamestreet.org) provides information and tools for caregivers who are supporting very young children affected by loss.

When Families Grieve: Feelings Journal (sesamestreet.org) and Grief Storybook (sesamestreet.org) are tools to help grieving young children express their feelings.

Lighthouse Peer Support for Grieving Children, Youth, and their Families provides a variety of online resources related to grieving children and youth, including grief “tip sheets”, articles about grief, and a list of recommended books about grief for children, teens, and their parents/caretakers.

The National Alliance for Grieving Children provides information about the needs of grieving children and teens, with links to numerous resources for them and their supporters/caretakers.

The Dougy Centre: The National Centre for Grieving Children and Families provides educational resources related to grieving children, including information for parents/caretakers on how to help and support a grieving child. Also offers information and resources for children, including podcasts and activities related to grief and coping.