Intimate Abuse: Information, Safety Planning Tips, and Resources for Support
Each person’s experience is different, and so are their needs. The following information may not help everyone who is dealing with intimate abuse, but gives general tips and resources for further support that may be helpful in your journey.
Types of Intimate Abuse
Intimate abuse is when someone uses different behaviors to control their current or former partner. It can take many forms:
- Physical Abuse: Using physical force like grabbing, pushing, holding, blocking exits, and hitting.
- Verbal Abuse: Using words to scare, control, or hurt someone emotionally. This can include name-calling, yelling, swearing, and threats.
- Emotional Abuse: Actions or words that hurt someone’s self-worth and self-esteem. This can include putdowns, shaming, humiliation, and treating someone like a child.
- Psychological Abuse: Making someone doubt their own thoughts, reality, or sanity. This can include gaslighting, manipulation, and mind games.
- Financial Abuse: Using money to control someone. This can include denying access to money, controlling spending, interfering with education or job goals, and blaming for money problems.
- Sexual Abuse: Forcing or pressuring someone into unwanted sexual activity. This can also include verbal and emotional abuse related to the victim’s sexuality.
- Creating Isolation: Ruining someone’s relationships with others to make them dependent. This can include monitoring their whereabouts, questioning their activities, criticizing their friends or family, and accusing them of cheating.
- Cyberviolence: Using technology to control or harm someone, like spying on them, listening without their knowledge, or tracking their location.
Some Facts about Intimate Abuse:
- Victims: Anyone can be a victim of intimate abuse, but women are most at risk. According to Statistics Canada, almost half of Canadian women will experience some type of abuse by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
- Who It Affects: Intimate abuse can affect anyone, no matter their age, culture, race, religion, socioeconomic status, education level, or lifestyle.
- Not Anger Management: Intimate abuse isn’t about anger management. It’s about a belief system that gives some people power over others. Abusers usually control their anger in other relationships and avoid abusing their partner in front of others.
- Avoiding Responsibility: Abusers often blame external factors, usually their partner’s behavior, for their actions. This can make victims believe they are the cause of the abuse, leading to shame and low self-esteem, making it harder to leave the relationship.
- Creating Dependence: Abusers often try to make their partner dependent on them financially, emotionally, and socially. If someone has few supports and no financial resources, they might believe they deserve the abuse and find it harder to hold the abuser accountable.
- Honeymoon Behavior: When abusers fear consequences, they might act nicely to convince their partner the abuse will stop. This can include apologies, promises to change, and romantic gestures. This behavior is manipulation and usually stops once the abuser feels secure again, creating a cycle of abuse.
- Impact on Children: Children in homes with intimate abuse can suffer long-term emotional, behavioral, and physical effects, even if they don’t see or hear the abuse directly. This can happen at any age, even in infants.
Risk Assessment
The following factors are associated with higher risk of serious abuse. The more items that apply in your situation, the more likely you are at risk of ongoing and/or increased violence:
- Have you recently separated, or has your partner recently learned you plan to do so?
- Has your abuser recently learned you’re involved in a new intimate relationship?
- Has the abuse been escalating steadily?
- Has your abuser been physically violent towards you in the past?
- Has your abuser ever choked you?
- Did your abuser physically assault former intimate partners, to your knowledge?
- Has your abuser physically assaulted other people (other than partners) in the past?
- Have threats of injury or death been made by your abuser?
- Has your abuser destroyed or damaged your personal items or property?
- Has there been police involvement?
- Has suicide been threatened by your abuser?
- Does your abuser exhibit a high level of sexual jealousy?
- Does your abuser express the sense they cannot live without you?
- Does your abuser have (or appear to have) a mental health problem?
- Is your abuser experiencing significant stress from other sources (finances, illness, etc.)?
- Has your abuser been abusive towards your children?
- Has your abuser threatened to harm or abduct the children?
- Is there conflict regarding the children (ie: related to custody)?
- Has your abuser harmed or killed pets, or threatened to do so?
- Has your abuser ever used or threatened to use a weapon against you?
- Has your abuser ever assaulted anybody with a weapon, to your knowledge?
- Does your abuser have access to weapons or a Firearms Acquisition Certificate (FAC)?
- Does your abuser misuse alcohol/drugs?
- Has your abuser made any unwanted contact with you?
- Has your abuser violated a court order restricting contact with you?
- Do you fear for your physical safety, and/or that of your children?
Tips for Safety Planning
When any level of risk is identified, it’s important to create a safety plan. This means figuring out and using strategies to keep you as safe as possible. If you have children, they should be part of your safety plan too.
It’s a good idea to do risk assessment and safety planning with a professional. You can contact shelters or other resources listed below for help. There are also self-help tools for safety planning available online, a few of which are identified below.
If you are in immediate danger at any time, call 911.
Some basic ideas that may help increase safety include:
During an Abusive Incident:
- Plan an Escape: Know how you can leave the home/environment if needed. Plan where you can go and how to get there quickly.
- Stay Safe: During conflict, try to stay in areas with an exit and away from objects that could be used as weapons.
- Check-Ins: Arrange regular check-ins with someone you trust. Use a code word to signal you need help.
- Ask for Help: Ask neighbours to call the police if they notice signs you may be in danger.
- Keep Your Phone Ready: Make sure your phone is always charged. Consider hiding an extra phone in a room with a lock, like the bathroom. Keep emergency contact information nearby.
- Appease if Necessary: When your partner is escalating, try to appease them until you can safely leave.
- Erase History: If you access resources for abuse, erase your history on your phone/device.
During Separation:
- Plan Quietly: If you are planning to leave, don’t tell your partner as they may escalate.
- Seek Support: Get help for safety, finances, housing, and legal needs.
- Stay Secret: Make sure any efforts to explore options, increase independence, and seek resources are done without your partner knowing.
- Take Important Items: Take important items you can safely remove, but don’t stay in danger to get material things. You can return with a police escort to retrieve belongings if needed.
After Separation:
- Secure Your Home: Make your home as secure as possible. Consider staying at a shelter if you are at risk.
- Keep Your Phone Ready: Keep your phone charged and have regular check-ins with someone you trust.
- Be Cautious: Use caution when away from home. Avoid going out alone and check in with someone regularly. Change familiar routines.
- Inform Others: Make sure others, like at your workplace, know about your situation and are alert.
- Record and Report: If you experience unwanted contact or threats, keep a record and contact the police. Report any violation of a no-contact order immediately.
- Stay Alert: Be alert for signs of risk for several months after separation.
Safety Planning with Children:
- Reassure Them: Make sure they know the abuse is not their fault and it’s not their job to stop it.
- Stay Safe: Tell them to never get between you and your abuser during conflict.
- Teach Safety: Teach them their job is to keep themselves safe and seek help.
- Code Word: Use a code word to alert them to call for help.
- Safe Place: Identify a safe place in the home they can go during abuse (ideally a room with a lock and phone).
- Escape Plan: Discuss how to get out of the house if there is danger and where they can go.
- Seek Help: Teach them how to seek help, including calling 911. Identify other people they can reach out to in times of crisis (like extended family members).
Resources for Immediate Support
Durham Region's Emergency Shelters for Victims of Violence provide 24/7 access to women experiencing abuse, including emergency housing, crisis support, assistance with risk assessment and safety planning, and connection to resources:
Cornerstone Community Association provides emergency housing and other supports to single men or men with children who are experiencing abuse. Call 905-433-0254 or 1-844-433-0254.
Assaulted Women's Helpline provides 24-hour anonymous counselling, support, safety planning assistance/information, and referrals to women dealing with abuse or related issues. Call 1-866-863-0511 or TTY 1-866-863-7868, text #SAFE (#7233).
The Seniors Safety Line is a 24/7 crisis and support line for seniors who have experienced any type of abuse or neglect. Callers receive emotional support, safety planning, information and referrals in over 200 languages. Call 1-866-299-1011 or TTY 1-866-299-0008.
Talk4Healing provides 24/7 crisis counselling, advice and support for Indigenous Women and their families living in urban, rural and remote communities, both on and off reserve. Call or text 1-855-554-4325 (1-855-554-HEAL), or access Talk4Healing’s online chat 24/7.
Fem'aide provides 24/7 anonymous crisis counselling and referral services for Francophone and French speaking women. Call 1-877-336-2433 (1-877-FEMAIDE).
Durham Rape Crisis Centre provides support services to survivors of recent and historical sexual assault/abuse. Offers 24/7 telephone support, and individual and group counselling. Call 905-668-9200, or visit the website for more information.
Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Support Line offers 24/7 multilingual crisis and referral services to male survivors of recent or historical sexual abuse/assault. Call 1-866-887-0015.
Other Community Resources for Survivors of Abuse
Safety Network Durham provides access to multiple services for women affected by gender-based violence, including injury documentation, safety planning, applications for income support and RGI housing, legal support, shelter services, counselling, and police. Support is available Monday-Friday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. Call 1-877-723-3905 or email info@safetynetworkdurham.ca.
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Care Centre (DVSACC) provides services for victims of sexual or physical assault, including injury documentation, evidence collection, medical treatment, counselling, and referrals. Offers quick access to counselling for those age 16+ who experienced sexual/domestic assault within the past year and are not currently receiving service elsewhere. For care related to recent assaults, access 24/7 via the Emergency Department at Lakeridge Health Oshawa. For services related to less recent assaults, call 905-576-8711 ext. 33286.
Women’s Multicultural Resource and Counselling Centre (WMRCC) provides specialized supports to multicultural, immigrant and refugee women, but services are available to all women experiencing abuse, regardless of race, culture, or immigration status. For more information call 905-427-7849 or 1-877-454-4035, or visit the website.
Victim Services (Durham Regional Police) offers those affected by crime various services including on-scene crisis support, safety planning, needs assessment, information, and referrals to other services. Can assist with applications for the Victim Quick Response Program (VQRP). For more information, call 905-579-1520 ext. 3400 (during regular business hours) or visit the website.
Victim Witness Assistance Program provides information and support to victims of violence or sexual assault who are involved in the criminal court process due to charges being laid against their perpetrator. For more information, call 905-743-2790 or 1-888-579-2888 or visit the website.
Family Law Information Centre (FLIC) provides free information about separation/divorce and related family law issues like child custody, property division, child protection, alternative dispute resolution, and court processes. The Durham Region FLIC office is located in the court at 150 Bond Street East in Oshawa. For more information call 905-743-2800 or visit the website.
SafePet Ontario coordinates foster care for pets of individuals fleeing intimate partner abuse or human trafficking situations. Visit the website for more information.
Legal Aid Ontario provides financial assistance retaining a lawyer for those who qualify. For more information (including eligibility requirements) call 1-800-668-8258 or visit the website.
Luke’s Place Support and Resource Centre provides support and information for women as they proceed through the family law process after fleeing an abusive relationship. Offers a range of in-person support, and various resources (including information about family law processes and safety planning) are available on the website. For more information call 905-728-0978 or 1-866-516-3116, or visit the website.
Catholic Family Services of Durham provides various group counselling programs for women who have experienced intimate abuse and their children. These include groups for women to learn about and heal from abuse, and groups for mothers and their children 0-12 focused on helping children heal from impacts of exposure to abuse. Also offers a group program for teens who have been affected by abuse. Call (905) 725-3513 or visit the website for more information.
Family Shelter for Men & Children (TORONTO) provides temporary housing in Toronto to single men and men with children who have experienced abuse. For access to the family shelter, call 647-479-9611 ext. 5 or email shelter@menandfamilies.org. Response may not be immediate (not a crisis service).
Region of Durham Older Adult Safety Advisor provides advocacy and support to older adults who are at risk of any type of abuse. For information or to report a concern, call 905-668-7711 ext. 2460 during regular business hours (this is not a crisis service).
Victim Support Line provides 24/7 support and information to victims of crime across Ontario in multiple languages. Assists victims of crime and their families to access a wide range of services, including counselling, financial assistance and other supports. Call 1-888-579-2888.
Online Risk Assessment and Safety Planning Resources
Mulberry: Gender Based Violence (GBV) Services in Ontario provides information about a variety of services, including emergency women’s shelters, sexual assault centers, community GBV services and many more. Also offers information and tools for safety planning.
iHEAL (free safety and wellness app for women affected by abuse).
How to Plan for Your Safety if You are in an Abusive Relationship provides tips and suggestions for safety planning.
Neighbours, Friends, and Families provides information about risk assessment and safety planning for those experiencing abuse and their supporters.
Hot Peach Pages offers information about abuse and safety planning in several languages.
Safety Planning with Children and Youth provides templates and information related to safety planning with children of different ages, and links to additional resources and workbooks on this topic for children of different ages.
Social Media and Web Security - Erasing Your Tracks provides information about hiding your activities on the internet and social media from your abuser.
Out of the Shadows is a manual for survivors of Intimate Abuse in Durham Region. It is intended to help survivors access tools and community resources that will allow them to make informed choices about their situation. It contains information about abuse, safety planning, deciding to leave, and finding help.
Online Information about Abuse
Stop Family Violence provides information, fact sheets, research, and other information about all forms of domestic abuse.
How to Recognize if You or Your Children are Being Abused provides information to help understand when abuse may be occurring in your relationship/family.
Woman Abuse: An Overview contains detailed information about the abuse of women by their intimate partners, including prevalence, causes, impacts, and tips for those who are affected.
Recognizing the Effects of Abuse-Related Trauma (CAMH) provides information about trauma caused by abuse.
Intimate Partner Violence Against Men and Boys offers information and resources to support men and boys who are impacted by intimate partner violence.
Online Legal Information for Survivors of Abuse
A Legal Rights Handbook for Women Who are Being Abused (CLEO) contains information about abuse, guidance for preparing to leave, and details about criminal and family law processes.
Steps to Justice: Your Guide to Law in Ontario provides information about a variety of legal issues including partner abuse and family law.
Guide to Procedures in Family Court provides information about the steps to follow in family court, including when and where to serve and file documents.
Toolkit: The Law and Parenting Arrangements After Separation provides information and worksheets for those with children who are dealing with separation.
