Strategies for Healthy Communication and Managing Conflict

Each person’s experience is different, and so are their needs. The following information may not help everyone, but gives general tips and resources for further support that may be helpful in your journey.

Styles of Communication

The way we communicate affects our relationships, especially when we have disagreements. There are three main ways that people communicate:

Passive

When we are passive, we don’t honestly express our feelings, thoughts, and needs. We stay quiet, or say things are okay when they aren’t. People who engage in passive communication create “lose/win” situations where they let others have their way, even if it means they don’t get what they want or need.

The goal of being passive is usually to keep others happy. People who engage in passive communication often have low self-esteem and think other people’s wishes or needs are more important than their own. This can come from being nervous about conflict, fearing rejection, or worrying about others viewing you as “mean” or “selfish”. This can also happen when someone is in an abusive relationship, because they’ve learned it’s not safe to communicate openly.

Often, engaging in passive communication means not respecting our own rights and needs, which hurts our self-esteem and self-respect. If we engage passively a lot, we can feel worn out because we don’t set limits on our time, energy, and other resources. We might also accept bad behavior from others, which can affect us in different ways.

Aggressive

Being aggressive means showing your feelings, needs, and wants in ways that hurt others. Aggressive people create “win/lose” situations, where they may get what they want but others are violated in some way. They might use bad behavior, like bullying or even abuse, to “win”. Aggressive communication often uses “you” language, which blames and attacks others.

Passive-aggression is when someone doesn’t openly say they are upset or want something, but they show it indirectly by behaviours like sulking, stomping around, or giving the silent treatment.

Aggressive communication often comes from being afraid of being hurt, having low self-esteem, thinking irrationally, or following traditional gender roles. Aggression can lead to unhealthy relationships, problems at work, stress, trouble with the police, and losing self-respect.

Assertive

Being assertive involves honestly and directly sharing your feelings, wants, and needs in a way that respects others. It includes setting limits on how others treat you and saying “no” without feeling guilty. Assertive communication uses “I” language to express difficult feelings and concerns respectfully and calmly.

Assertiveness usually aims for “win/win” situations where both people get at least some of what they want or need. It allows for compromise when your needs and rights conflict with someone else’s.

You can’t control how others respond, but by being assertive, you increase the chance that others will also engage assertively and reduce the risk of a defensive or hostile response.

Managing Conflict

Conflict is a normal part of every relationship and happens when people have different wants, needs, beliefs, or values. Avoiding conflict isn’t realistic, but managing it well is important for a healthy relationship.

Here are some helpful strategies to deal with conflict:

Address issues as they happen: Focus on one problem at a time. Bringing up old issues can make the other person feel attacked and overwhelmed. Regular “check-ins” to talk about your relationship can help prevent problems from piling up.

Focus on resolving the conflict: The goal should be to understand the other person’s feelings and concerns, not to prove you’re right. This helps keep your relationship stay (or get back on) track.

Use active listening: Pay attention to the other person, don’t interrupt and ask questions if you need to. Repeat what they said in your own words to make sure you understand. For example, “So when I spend a lot of time with my friends, you feel lonely and like I don’t care about you?”

Express yourself assertively: Use “I” language instead of “you” language. For example, “I feel disrespected and frustrated when I come home to find the kitchen a mess” is more helpful than “You left the kitchen a mess again… you’re such a slob!”

Make complaints, not criticisms: Focus on specific actions, not the person. For example, “You’ve gone out with your friends four times this week while I’ve been with the kids” is more helpful than “You’re never around and don’t care about your family.” Avoid name-calling and generalizations like “always” or “never.”

Be aware of your non-verbal communication: Most of what we communicate is through things other than words, like tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Use a calm and respectful tone, and respect personal space during a conflict.

Accept their feelings as valid: Don’t tell them they “should” or “shouldn’t” feel a certain way. Even if you don’t agree, validating their feelings shows empathy.

Manage your own emotions: It’s hard to communicate well when you’re very emotional. Pay attention to your feelings and take a “time out” if needed to calm down.

Use “time outs” effectively: Step away in a way that doesn’t blame the other person. For example, “I’m getting worked up and need some time to calm down” is more helpful than “You’re being unreasonable, so I’m leaving!” Let them know you’ll come back to the discussion when you’re calm.

Do calming activities during a “time out”: Take a walk, listen to music, or talk to someone supportive. Try to think about something else or remind yourself of the good parts of the person you’re in conflict with and your hopes for the relationship.

Use humor and playfulness appropriately: Humor can help reduce tension and change the usual way you handle conflict. But make sure not to mock or make fun of the other person, belittle their feelings or concerns, or use mean jokes.

Online Information About Heathy Communication and Conflict Resolution

10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts offers suggestions for couples related to resolving conflict in a healthy way.

Conflict Resolution Skills provides tips for resolving interpersonal conflicts effectively, whether at home or at work.

Tips for Building a Healthy Relationship offers information about having a healthy relationship, including strategies for effective communication.

Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Couples: 5 Strategies provides tips for couples to manage conflict effectively.

Managing Conflict with Humor offers suggestions for how to appropriately use humour to help diffuse the intensity in interpersonal conflicts.

Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ) and Emotional Intelligence Toolkit provide information and suggestions for building self-awareness around emotions and improving your ability to manage them effectively.

Anger Management provides information about anger, and tips and techniques to manage it effectively.

Empathy provides information and suggestions related to how to respond empathically to the emotions of other people.

Nonverbal Communication and Body Language provides information about the important role of non-verbal communication.

Effective Communication provides tips to avoid conflict and improve your personal and professional relationships.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships provides information about setting boundaries in relationships to protect your well-being and strengthen your connections with others.